Garbage Can Thief

To the jerk who stole my garbage can:

 

This is the second garbage can to go missing from my property. The first was a fine Rubbermaid garbage can. It was green and had white specks all over it from when I painted my house. And now you have gone and stolen my generic metal garbage can.

What I don't understand is why you chose to steal a garbage can with my freaking address painted all over it. Not only that it had a few good dents.

I don't know who you are. There is no reward and I will pay no ransoms for I have no money for either. But what I do have is a particular set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you bring my garbage can back now that will be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.

But if you don't; I will scour the alleys for you and my can, I will find you, and I will shoot you.